Box O' Candy

1st May 2010

Photo by Pieter Peeters

"Oh you got your hands on that one!” I said, a large Cheshire Cat grin stuck to my face. My attempt at happy face was a futile one, and the disappointment, my irritation that reflected on the outside was a tiny slice of the turmoil within. She, Evil-She, just beat me to the best candy in the box.

My favorite, the one who gave me many sleepless nights – the dark chocolate with a hazel-nutty center, not too bitter, not too sweet, not too hard on the outside, just precisely gooey on the inside. As my eyes brim with tears, I want to howl for the sweetness.Poking out evil-she’s eye may feel better though!

I don’t cry nor poke an eye, remind myself to breathe “Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale “. I tuck my tummy in, shoulders pulled in an upright position like a soldier maintaining his dignity after a battle lost. Stick my Cat face again, be brave and SAY THE “RIGHT” words - ”That’s a fantastic choice, hope you like it, it’s ONE of my favorites “

So much candy in the box, so many choices to make. So what if I didn’t get the one I wanted, I have the whole box to choose from. An attempt, a pathetic one, to make peace with myself.

I don’t care…I don’t care…I don’t care..I don’t care. I don’t care…. I don’t care…I don’t care.

Maybe if I chant a million times, I will start believing it too. That I truly don't care.

I won’t tell you, because I am a proud peacock, but psst... I am hurt. Can someone just be as perceptive as I am and show me some Love?

Ah! That’s the perfect solution for the heart broken lady, a chubby heart-y piece of sweet sitting pretty on the rosy wrap. ”What lies within you, O’ who sits there all prim and propah ?” a little amused at my own ignorance, a little intrigued by the intensity of a fairly simple question. Scavenging through a box o’ candy, what lies within is the question I ask.

It’s just candy, why do I care?

If this one is too mushy,

there are another twenty in there

So wreak havoc on the box,

spare not a single bite,

for you can have them all

except the one that was right.

Why is life so unfair? Why so much pain? The biggest why – Why Me every time?

SWEET REVENGE!

Whoever coined that term was probably talking about exactly this. Down went all the contents of the box. The choco-heart, too hearty tarty. The nougat, too clingy. The white, too white. The dark, too dark. I feel sick and it’s entirely your fault. If you hadn’t intruded, Mi favorito would be mine. Thanks to you I feel sick now; thanks to you my box o’ candy is all gone now. Another box I will not buy again, for losing Mi favorito, getting sick and losing you is quite a pain.

So much of bitter

over something so sweet?

What is with the damned box o’ candy….

what is really beneath?

I hear myself asking the question once again,

I need an answer, before I go completely insane

JUMP scene, musing about the time gone by. It feels like yesterday, the little angel at her impish best, in the stillness of a muggy afternoon treading into forbidden territory, the dingy hole we called the kitchen. This was the most action packed section of the old ancestral home most of the times, right now though, it was just the old mole with so many tales to tell trying to breathe, BREATHE till it would be running at neck break speed once again, keeping pace with the incessant chatter and the broth’s futile attempt at being true to its existence.

Being true to ones existence. How does one do that?

Too many cooks spoil the broth they say. But what is spoilt broth?

Is it the broth’s futile attempt at staying broth? Or is it just his evolution into something new?

If I were the broth, I wouldn’t want to be plain broth all my life

and if it takes so many cooks to “spoil” the broth…Well, just BRING ‘EM ON.

But then, that’s just me.

The broth exists because he wants to exist,

He broods about not being broth anymore because he thrives on his miseries…

He sometimes evolves because he wants to be no goody two shoes broth anymore,

He discovers his potential within…

AH! The bliss of discovering the potential within…

FLASHBACKS within a flashback… we live in a kaleidoscope don’t we?

Jumping back… little angel at her impish best, in the stillness of a muggy afternoon treading into forbidden territory. Her gait, that of a cat moving towards it prey - padded foot step, abated breath, lest the hunter became the hunted. sniff…sniff …

The sweet whiff of fresh toffee was still in the air… sweet…the cat transformed into a crazy pup … SNIFF SNIFF…it’s here somewhere, just need to find the right box. Trust the catty instincts or just dog my way through? Now that is a difficult one. Hmm.

If a Cat or dog… there is no problem. It’s when the humanoid robot steps in, is when the trouble begins. The animal instincts tell me GO…GO get what you want, nothing will stop you…

The potty-trained human gets me wondering…

Should I?

Should I not?

What if I fall getting the box down?

What if someone catches me in the ACT?

The moment is lost… what could be is NOT anymore. So many such precious moments lost to … reason... fear … guilt or something as stupid.

Only if, I got back to being the animal…

Only if, I could get back to my basic instincts…

Only if, I could act on the basis of my instincts.

“ONLY IF”…

My instincts… the toffee... Mi Favorito …THE WORLD …

It’s all about how passionate I am about getting what I WANT Isn’t it?

There is no place for mediocre… NO PLACE

The cherub …. Rabia…an imp…an angel..

Fresh toffee… the ONLY thing that mattered

Little Rabia…the wild child turned “human”

ANIMAL… That was the pure animal moment…

The angel said NO…

The devil said GO…

So GO it was… it’s always the GO that’s more fun , that’s life and the way to live

DAMN THE RULES!

I WANT THE TOFFEE…. and I want it NOW!!...So loud and clear … That’s all that matters

Little mop head in her pretty summer dress, onto the kitchen counter in a swift feline move. Rabia always wanted adventure… well…ok it wasn’t something that she yearned for…nothing that she was “looking for “ when I think, of it today… It was just her way of life …she saw life for what it was, and everyday was an adventure of a different kind.

SPOTTED…There it is… all that toffee sitting in the jar on the top most shelf.

That’s a very handsome jar… akin the royal guard in protective armor, sealed lid, grim composure et al… thought Rabia

He is just doing his job…

“The toffee is your liability now, guard her with you life “ they said

“ Live by it…die for it”

Did they really mean for him to die for it? Was the toffee really so important?

So easy to tell someone else to die for a cause…

SACRIFICE…

Be MODEST…

Always put someone else’s needs before your own…

If you say “I” too often ….ITS SELFISH

You never want to be called “selfish”

He was the sentry trained by the Old mole though… the shelf had been his home for many eras and he was not programmed to contemplate about his existence …

He lived by the rules and would die by it… no questions asked.

“How are you today … Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar Sir? “ asked Rabia. No response.

Rabia was the enemy … she belonged to the “brood”

It was she …and many more like her that he was supposed to guard from

And then… no one had really asked him the question before.

“ Why is the brat asking me about me anyways? “

“ She does not care about me!!”

“ She only cares about what I carry today”

The crowd started stirring inside the arena…

Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar a.k.a. Maximus forgot his dialogues for the day

The crowd gathered to watch the Gladiator was beginning to see the Beautiful Mind

He forgot he had to throw Little-demon-Rabia off the kitchen counter

He also forgot he had a cause to live for…some toffee to protect.

Just then … the clutter-headed-cutlery started clamoring

Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar Sir … you have committed a crime this afternoon

YES …A CRIME…

You said “me”, “me” and another “me”…

AND if that was not crime enough… an “I”? How shameful

Have you forgotten your code of conduct?

Is all the history lost?

Have you forgotten about the cause? “Your” cause?

Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar …It wasn’t his job to think

He panicked, “Have I really committed a crime? “

Oh damn! Something isn’t right “ I am thinking once again” Panic…PANIC…

Everyone was saying he had committed a crime

If everyone said that, not possible that all of them are wrong…(or are they?)

He tried…tried REAL HARD…but the thoughts wouldn’t stop…

A flood gate had opened somewhere … all hell broke loose

Rabia had “hoped” to make a new friend;

She had seen the sweet core…sweet core of the sentry so stern. She had “hoped” to understand “How…so much bitter over something so sweet”

Little did she know that Mizz Life was standing Just around the corner and she had some cruel lesson to teach…

Rabia reached for Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar…

Someone has to make the first move…someone has to reach out… Rabia did

Rabia’s mother always told her she was “the spring”

She was the tiny bud on the frozen tree that marked the arrival of spring…

She was the beautiful chirping of birds heralding that spring was here…

She was hope of a beautiful day after the long cold winter had passed away…

Someone had to reach out…Rabia did…

Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar… saw the onset of an identity crisis

He had never questioned before…

He had never been accused before…

HE HAD committed a crime and it was time for him to go…

Mr. Hand-me-some-toffee Jar…plunged three shelves down

He plunged to his death…

All the sweetness amongst shards, did not look sweet anymore

Did he die being true to his existence? Or his existence just did not feel worthwhile anymore?

Rabia was shocked…

The spring stood frozen in her shoes and all hope was gone

The wild child turned human

She blamed herself for all that had happened

She cried in hope that she could take back what she had done

She promised herself she would never reach out…. never ever

CHOKE! Am dying... Bad chocolate.

Am allergic to walnut...I can't breathe...

Don't these candy boxes carry a disclaimer.

Just like the M&M candy pack ...'this may contain nuts' or something like that.

Only if My box 'o candy came with a warning...'BEWARE OF THE WAL-NUT' .

Only if life came with a disclaimer...

'A BEEP BEEP Nut warning'

OR something louder like a fire engine WAIL, to stop me from making all the bad choices I made. Sigh!

What a Pickle!

This is your Life

Limon Y Sal

As part of the assignment at Spanish class, I had to translate the Julieta Venegas song ,"Limon y Sal" and describe the video. I was quite thrilled for coming across a love song that I absolutely loved almost instantly and a video that I love even more.

The video is of a Charles Chaplin-esque silent black and white quality, with the song playing in the background. It is no word to word nursery school dramatization of the song, but is so multi layered and convoluted that it adds to the dimension of the song itself.

I started this post, wanting to narrate the story... my interpretation of the song. The multi layered dream that it is, a story within a story, all the deciphering, that was enough to get me ecstatic over something others dismissed for its weirdness.I am no sheep. I love weird.

Although, as I continue writing this, the interpretation does not seem too important.It would be the inception of an additional layer to the story, and I'd rather have you design your own story. A story I absolutely love. A story I hope you see.

Julieta Venegas - Limon Y Sal (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Julieta Venegas

Tengo que confesar que a veces, no me gusta tu forma de ser,

(I have to confess that sometimes, I don't like the way you are)

luego te me desapareces y no entiendo muy bien porque,

(then you disappear & I don't understand very well why)

no dices nada romantico cuando llega el atardecer,

(You say nothing romantic, when it is dark)

te pones de un humor extraño con cada luna llena al mes.

(You are in a strange mood with evert full moon of the month)

Pero a todo lo demás, le gana lo bueno que me das,

(But all that remains, is get the good you give meh)

solo tenerte cerca, siento que vuelvo a empezar.

( Only having you close to me, I feel that I'm back to the start)

Chorus

Yo te quiero con limon y sal, (I love lemon & salt)

yo te quiero tal y como estas,(I love you as you are)

no hace falta cambiarte nada,(You don't need to change nothing)

yo te quiero si vienes o si vas, ( I love you if you come or if you go)

si subes y bajas y no estas seguro de lo que sientes.

(If you are high & low & you are not sure of what you feel)

Tengo que confesarte ahora, nunca creí en la felicidad,

(I have to confess to you now, I never believed in happiness

a veces algo se le parece, pero es pura casualidad,

(sometimes some things seem a certain way,but is pure coincidence)

Luego me vengo a encontrar con tus ojos me dan algo mas,

(Then I come to find with your eyes they give me something more)

solo tenerte cerca, siento que vuelvo a empezar.

(Only to have you close, I feel that I am back to the start)

Chorus x 2

Solo tenerte cerca siento que vuelvo a empezar.

(Only to have you close, I feel that I am back to the start)

Teleported

Sultry summer day, as I ride down to work in a super rattle of a rickshaw… I catch on the air, a whiff of greens from the vegetable market, below. The early morning market by the flyover, with the freshest of peas, spinach and all things green.

The cars whizzing past, from the opposite direction… Miles Davis playing in the ear phones …This could be a wonderful shot for a new age documentary... a fast paced stylish thriller maybe!

Jump scene ~ there I was, dressed in a white linen blouse and a beige skirt; a wide brimmed hat, and beige stilettos that also worked as a back up on the ammo front. And the super stylish Jackie Kennedy shades of course. How can any picture of the Mediterranean thriller be complete without that piece of gorgeousness .

Sitting at the street side cafe ... in a shaky hand held camera frame... I waited for that message. A note on crisp white handmade paper, embossed in gold the words "the Alpha & the Omega". I waited for it to surface from the mugginess of the air , a clue to what was in store for me ahead.

Restless... sitting in a shaky frame can be as disturbing as watching the rain come down on a bladder ready to burst. "Tap tap tap ", my heels added to the rhythm of the wobble ... the Miles Davis thrown in, I could see the order in the chaos now. I could feel myself getting ready to drop the act in the Moroccan drama and get back to the rickshaw sans the exotic. Maybe break into a dance on the roof of the rickshaw even.

How do I get back to reality though? Which one was my reality anyways!? Whatever happened to the message, I wondered. Messages are supposed to come easy. Easy & Effortless.

Waiting for the "sign".... still waiting... some more.

I decided to spend my time waiting, over a cup of kahwa. I took a tiny sip of the dense bitterness...a tiny sip is all it took & the world around me collapsed...a tiny sip, and all the pieces fell into place right away. As quickly as I jumped from the rickshaw to the exotic Moroccan tale...I was transported back to the mundane.

In my hand, I held a folded piece of handmade paper. My heart skipped a beat, at the sight of the message that surfaced out of thin air, I carefully opened the folds to read the message it held.

"The Alpha & the Omega" ... is all it said. That was all it was, all this while, easy & effortless. Truly, the beginning & the end.

Sleep Walking the Walk of Life

"Azure , when she was a baby slept off as soon as she got into the car", I overheard my mum say.

I smirked, thought of the many times I had heard that, not too long ago

"Azure still sleeps off as soon as she is put into the car" , I mumbled to myself.

~ JUMP SCENE ~

"Is that a new painting on the wall? " I asked my pal

"NO"

"How the heck did I never see this before?"

"Must have slept through it" , we said in unison

We broke into peals of laughter. Very Funny.

Azure became the butt of all jokes sleepy. Be it sleep talking for a "M&M Candy" breakfast in bed, being woken up in the middle of a guided tour - WAKE UP! Look around , you're on vacation or never being able to recognise what part of the city it is, even after having driven around the place a million times (all while in slumberland!)

Thirty something years of a daze. Some crystal clear moments of a beautiful dream like quality, the rest of it a blur. The sleep over the last few years gradually grew to become an issue . I never did decipher the subtle signs, the fact that my life was headed to becoming somewhat mechanical & pointless.

And while I sleep walked to the edge of the cliff, Miss life smacked another lesson into my face.

" Love sleeping with your eyes open, don't you?"

"No more subtleties then"

"Here, sleep , sleep and sleep some more until you decide to wake up!

Azure was cursed to stay in slumberland, until she decided to take the reins of her life in her own hands and tread forward with her eyes wide open.

Ever noticed, if you are allowed an addiction, sans guilt, you eventually do get over it!? Become more responsible about it?

It is ingrained in me, testing the boundaries, wanting to do more, wanting to do exactly what the other person said not to do or said I cannot do. More the restrictions around something , greater the thrills of putting it as an accomplishment on the records.

All that was accomplishment once, did not resonate with Azure anymore. It all seemed like it was someone else's, and the one thing she had become good at, "Sleep Walking", was now being forced upon her in all obviousness. Not something she liked very much.

But then, a curse is a curse, and sleep I would have to. There is no kiss from a handsome prince that would bring me to life this time. I would have to be my own true love now, and bring me back from the dead.

So I slept and I slept for many years thereafter, with an air of dark around me.

How could Azure awaken herself from death like slumber? Especially, someone who slept through her waking hours, how would she ever awaken in her sleep?

I have always loved the loop holes in fairy tales. There is always a way to break the curse. A fairy godmother, the prince or a toad. Always the means available when you have a purpose in mind. The portal to the happy ever after. Azure got her share of the loop hole too. Azure got her dreams.

So as I slept, my dreams came visiting, and every dream that came by awakened me some more. The dreams that I never could recall once, when they woke me up, now spoke to me as I slept. I saw the minutest detail of everything it showed me, my own personal bioscope to the world of the animate.

Everyday, Azure saw the picture a little clearer than the day before, everyday she focused some more. The day came soon enough when she saw it all crystal clear in her head. She finally saw what she wanted to see, and not the picture tinted by someone elses expectation or the urge to prove someone wrong.

I finally found the NOW, where I belong and could stay inanimate no more. I woke up to a beautiful dream, that was a dream no more, never to sleep walk again.

Sleep In Peace

The line at the edge of my world is blurring. The fortress separating my real from surreal has been compromised. I live a dream, I am numbed, as I bob amid crass and perfection.

The struggle has come to an end. No more kicking. No crying for Justice. The soft sobs resonating in my head, a reminder of tears that long went dry, a reminder of the world that was, a world I knew, fast falling apart.

I can slice a piece of denseness around me. An illusion of peace, a barricade to all that resonates, the agitation and excitement alike.

What do I do with a slice of dense something? Sell peace in a Box?

If I was selling peace in a Box, if the concept was remotely possible, would you buy it!?

Are you ready for peace? Isn’t Peace stagnating? Isn’t Peace Boring? Would it be jumping the gun, to buy peace in a Box and never really know what colourful experiences the Agitation and Excitement would bring to you? Choose the blue pill from the Matrix fame, let the story end, live in your nut shell of a world, and believe in Peace or whatever you want to believe.

It is exciting to see glimpses of peace through the clouds of chaos in my head. I know though, I am not ready for the Permanence yet, not ready for that kind of calm.

Choosing such peace is choosing death, for nothing else can bring that peace. The day I have learnt it all, seen how deep the rabbit hole goes and my purpose met, is the day I will sleep in peace.